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Today I could not help but laugh a bit inwardly at the holy sacrifice of the Mass. You see, it seemed to be in utter chaos at one point compared to the ordered structure one would have expected of the liturgy. Some of us were standing, some of us were kneeling, some were shifting between the two in confusion, and at the end of the Mass the reason for our confusion was revealed. Two pages had stuck together and Father Willie omitted a section of the Mass. He pleaded for forgiveness from all present at his self described liturgical abuse by doing so and asked that no guests present at the Mass called up the Bishop in Greensburg to complain that he was some sort of heretic or blasphemer. Many laughed at that, but perhaps unlike myself, they do not know people who would do such a thing…and for Father Willie’s sake, I hope that the older man who was angry at what he saw as some sort of hippie liberal Mass and left early does not call the Bishop to complain.

That was the funny part really, but the readings themselves really kicked my butt:

Hebrews 12: 5-7, 11-13
Brothers and sisters,
You have forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
“My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.”
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time,
all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.

So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be disjointed but healed.

and

Luke 13:22-30
Jesus passed through towns and villages,
teaching as he went and making his way to Jerusalem.
Someone asked him,
“Lord, will only a few people be saved?”
He answered them,
“Strive to enter through the narrow gate,
for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter
but will not be strong enough.
After the master of the house has arisen and locked the door,
then will you stand outside knocking and saying,
‘Lord, open the door for us.’
He will say to you in reply,
‘I do not know where you are from.
And you will say,
‘We ate and drank in your company and you taught in our streets.’
Then he will say to you,
‘I do not know where you are from.
Depart from me, all you evildoers!’
And there will be wailing and grinding of teeth
when you see Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
and all the prophets in the kingdom of God
and you yourselves cast out.
And people will come from the east and the west
and from the north and the south
and will recline at table in the kingdom of God.
For behold, some are last who will be first,
and some are first who will be last.”

both hit me with far greater power than that of the Old Testament reading. Far too often I allow myself to become discouraged by what I see as punishments in life, as discipline. It's like I do not allow myself to be happy sometimes, because I feel that as part of that continuing discipline from God that I am unworthy of happiness, of friendship, and of love. Far too often I find myself living for the holy sacrifice of the Mass, because it is the only time of my week where I can find true happiness.

Yet what do these readings say? Keep your chin up son. Take your discipline as it comes, but do not add to it yourself that which God has not truly given you. That extra, those emotions of grief and sorrow, of unworthiness for happiness in earthly life is excess baggage that can't allow you to pass through that narrowest of gates. Back in the time Jesus told this parable, the terms were much more vivid and clear as a city's narrow gate was large enough for a person, but not for their camels and donkeys, not for their worldly possessions, not their baggage as it were. I need to dump my pity party garbage, I need to drop the baggage of anger at myself I've held on to for ten months now as I blamed myself for everything that had happened. I need to remember who and what I am, and that I must one day be fit to cross through that narrow gate as He has demanded of me.