Tis the Advent Season

Tonight I will go to the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, the day in which we celebrate the birth of Mary without sin so that she might in turn be free of sin to give her Son no taint of the original sin of mankind. Tonight is going to allow me to do something that I quite frankly have lacked a chance to do thus far this Advent season, and that is to spend some quiet time with God to prepare my heart for the coming of His Son, Jesus the Christ.

The season leading up to this Advent has been one that's been rather soul crushing for me. I've been buried under mountains of schoolwork to the point I couldn't keep up my Bible reading regimen I'd been working on and had at least one professor make it clear she thought I didn't deserve to belong in the program, that I lacked the ability to think critically and synthesize. My ex finished putting me through thirteen straight months of an emotional roller coaster that approximated Hell, and I'm beginning to think that her no longer being in my life may be the best gift I get for Christmas from what people have told me. Then when I went to Phatmass seeking some solace, I was ripped apart by a number of people and spat upon with profanity.

It was also my ex who led me to Catholicism more than any other mortal person, as I helped her rediscover her faith, I found what I had been looking for in a church. I found authority backed by the Bible itself, I found an unbroken tradition that stretched back to the disciples and had the paper trail to prove the pedigree, I found a deeper relationship with Christ than I knew to be possible as Communion became more than a once a month symbol, but an every day encounter with the Risen Christ.

For too long I've let the pain within me from the wounds that my ex caused fester. I've watched NCIS, a show I love but we watched together all the time, for the first time since...well I think last season's finale and fallen in love with it all over again. I've been playing Christmas music again and finding solace in it that has been eluding me since the wounds were caused, and despite the fact I know she loves it too, a part of me has realized it doesn't necessarily have to be linked to her.

Tomorrow I start hardcore studying for my finals, which terrify me. Tonight though, I devote to preparing my heart for the One who comes on Christmas. I give thanks and I remember why I love my Catholic faith, and why I love the Christ even in the hard times. Perhaps most of all tonight, I remember what it is to humble myself before His divinity and remember that I'm so far beneath Him, but He loves me anyhow for who I am, and who He will lead me to become.

Now, as Mary said yes, let us all say yes to God.