Abiding

I went to Adoration earlier.  Something that has never changed in my habit of going to Adoration, since my ex found the only Perpetual Adoration chapel in my home state, is how I arrive.  Perfectly fine the entire way there, but once I start to approach the doors of a church where Adoration is going on inside, I begin to acquire a feeling of the utmost anticipation and a small dose of fear.  Fear that I'm not worthy to sit before Him, fear that I'm not going to know what to say.  It's quite a bit of what Saint Paul says, "work out your salvation with fear and trembling".

At first I worried and prayed, but then, as I continued, the calm that always settles upon me while sitting with Him in Adoration fell.  I prayed my Divine Mercy Chaplet for friends, the website Phatmass and its posters, and for all who are struggling.  When that was done I got up from my knees and simply stared at Him, getting lost in thought and then just settling into a period where I abided.  My worries melted away.  Theology, Trads vs. NOers, the government shutdown, my loans, dissertation, it all just melted away.  I was at Peace, for I sat before the Creator of all things, and He loves me.

It's an experience so hard to convey in words.  I even whispered to Him that it often felt like everyone was on fire but me, and then a thought came to head, a lyric from Audrey Assad in her excellent song Slow,

  "Faith is not a fire

    As much as it's a glow

    A quiet lovely burning

    Underneath the snow

    And it's not too much

    It's just enough to give me hope

    Cause love moves slow

    Love moves slow"