Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all matters the most
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside
Love is a river that flows through, Love never fails you
Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
And love Still believes when you don’t
Love is the arms that are holding you, Love never fails you
When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this
‘Cause love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way the truth, the life
Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
And love is the place you will fight to, Love never fails you
Up until a few years ago I never wanted to fall in love. I had every desire to grow old with my books as my companion, to never get married nor have children. I wanted nothing more than peace and quiet in my hermitage. I've had "relationships" before that point, but never anything that reached even the kissing stage. So is it any surprise that up until that point I had no room in my life for love?
Then I met someone special. For three years I shared my hopes and dreams with her, shared my despair at bad news after bad news. For three years I cheered on her dreams and ambitions, and sat and listened to her cry over her fears. For three years I held on tight to the best thing to happen in my life, a person with whom I could be entirely honest; a person for whom I would have given my life.
For the first time I began to contemplate marriage, and I realized that quite to the contrary of my belief when I was younger, I could more than stomach the idea, I would welcome it. I realized that I really do want children one day, well at least one.
And eventually, after three blessed years that I wouldn't trade for the world, I heard the dreaded words of any relationship, "It's not you, it's me" and "we can still be best friends". Maybe I'm naive, but I believe her, and I sitll believe in her, even if she doesn't seem willing to talk to me this week after I stayed up for hours with her on Skype listening to fears and problems I too suffer, despite wanting to run away screaming...despite ending up curled on the bathroom floor shaking and in tears after putting up a strong act through the conversation.
Now I'm hurt hideously in the arena of love, and continue to be reminded of it by well meaning friends and others on a nearly daily basis. I keep getting people to tell me to ask random people I have no interest in out for a date. I keep getting people telling me to go beg the woman I loved to let me back into her life as her boyfriend. I keep getting people telling me I missed my one true chance and that I will never find love again and that it's my own damn fault for things happening the way that they did.
So understandably, I was very moody yesterday, and Brandon Heath's song being replayed endlessly hasn't helped. I said some stupid things, for which I am truly sorrowful and regretful yesterday, as I let my grief take hold; and I've suffered for it, people refusing to speak to me over what I said. I feel shunned and despised.
Love never fails, the song says. Love never fails. Love fails, love can be corrupted by sin. Love can become the dagger in one's heart that does more damage than anything else. Love can be a devestating event that leaves a person unable to function any longer. Love is realizing that every relationship you've been in has ended badly, and that in the one you thought would end differently, has left you unable to function as a human being for almost six months, some of the most draining and depressing months of my life.
That is human love, and it fails. It fails hideously. It lets you know that no matter what, you will never be able to trust again, never be able to think a member of the opposite gender will not hurt you. That's where I am with love right now, wondering if it's even worth it, and if I'm even worth it to someone. It's really a toss up as to how I feel about women right now and myself, whether things will get better and be worth it, or if love is go to leave me crippled.
Rather, it is not human love, but the perversion of it by the Enemy for his own twisted means. When things go badly, when affection gives way to darkness, it is a shock to the system, a reminder of how flawed and fragile I really am. It makes me pause and wonder if I am at fault for my relationships ending badly, even though I've been told each time that it is not. It makes me wonder if I'm a bad human being.
So let's stop wallowing in self pity and make something good of this blog post...
1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Deus Caritas Est. God is Love. We hear it so often in the Bible, but does it sink in? He is Love itself, and though human love may fade away, His will not, for He is its living embodiment.
I can be let down, I can be wronged, I can be disappointed, I can be battered emotionally beyond my understanding by so many women; I can return the favor as well. Yet He still loves me as much as those who have hurt me, and that I have hurt. He is Love.
Forget the image of a baby with wings Cupid, for that is a pale imitation of the all consuming fire and passion that is the Lord. Love never fails when Love is God Himself.
Thankfully God is merciful and kind, and He will Love me despite my horrid tendencies. Despite my dark heart at times, despite all my flaws and my fragilities...He loves me. I need to accept that. I need to lean on Him. For I am a wretched sinner in need of love and of a savior.
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