New Beginnings

The past is in the past, or so I can keep on telling myself for as long as I need to. People have told me things which disturb me, but I won't take them as truth. I know that I did not cheat on her, and that is all that matters. I was faithful, because the idea of not having been deeply hurts my sense of who I am.

My honor is everything to me, for without it, what am I? I made the mistake of hurting it once after we broke up...and that was enough that I still feel the bitterness over what I did now. But I never, EVER cheated on her. God, how would I have? I was going to ask her to marry me. We had discussed having kids. She knows each and every secret that I have.

But what is past, is past. I'm in three years of enforced singlehood, which in the 20 years where I was nothing but single would have been no problem. Yet having been actually loved and been loved? It's always going to feel as though a part of me is aching while I'm alone.

Anyhow, new beginnings. A few days ago I posted an entry that thanked God for something I so desperately needed. Yet, I did not elaborate, instead being thankful for my weekend at home on Labor Day with my family and my friends.

I finally found what I've wanted to find in college all along, and did to an extent in Chi Alpha. I found the Catholic Student Association, and it was wonderful. People who shared my beliefs, people who were happy and genial. I ended up in a bar of all places and having a great time discussing theology over beer (granted I only took a few sips).

Since then, I've gone to a picnic and a Bible study, and I can tell that I'm not the person I've been for the past ten months. It's astounding to me what a profound change has come over me in getting involved with a group and being able to actually share my faith and have fun.

It's a new beginning for me, and I've never felt better.