Night of Worship

Tonight I went once again to St. Francis University (and seminary) in Loretto, Pennsylvania for a Night of Worship. The first time I went, it was with great trepidation at what I would find, and it lead to the healing of my relationship with my father that has so long been at odds with me. I struggled so much to hate him and I realized, I couldn't anymore, and it was such a godsend.

In the month since, I have asked myself more than once if I would have the courage to go up this time. There were so many things I could ask for prayer for, but what would I ask even if I found myself moving to the front of the chapel. I knew that when I asked for healing with my relationship with my father last time, it came completely out of the blue to me.

So I sung hymns of praise, I smiled at other people. I made sure the two girls who were on their first time at St. Francis were doing well enough. Both seemed to be of the idea that it wasn't as strange as they had been lead to believe; of course this was just during the intermission so to speak, between the Night of Worship proper's hour of contemporary songs and the Sharers of the Word where things tended to get a tad more charismatic-y.

I think the two of them realized just how different the ride was going to be at the prayer for authority that was followed by a Hail Mary. Then I think it was further reinforced with songs about the Holy Spirit and annointings. It was funny as I looked at them while I sang, I realized as nervous as I was, I was so much more comfortable than my first time there. I wasn't afraid, or as afraid, of the whole thing, because I knew what was to come.

Yet as the time came for people to go up to prayer, I kept asking God if there was anything I truly needed to know. If there was anything I really needed to ask for that I could not live without. The answer came to me, but I resisted going up until almost the tail end of the line: Ask for forgiveness for your part in the end of your relationship, and for true forgiveness of not only yourself, but for her as well.

Forgiveness. It seems my trips to St. Francis always end up coming to forgiveness, be it of others like dad, or of myself and my ex. We hurt each other so badly, and daily I've prayed for us to truly be able to forgive one another, to think of one another without a negative thought. It's been so very difficult though at times...I keep thinking of all the ways I hurt her, and she me, and I feel so utterly unworthy of forgiveness for my sins.

So eventually I rose to my feet and shuffled behind a friend in line. People were already "resting in the Spirit" and God's divine sense of humor struck by sending me to the Franciscan friar I've been kinda scared to get, a zealous and energetic man. Everyone, and I mean everyone he prays over ends up "resting in the Spirit". I watched a musclebound six and a half foot tall guy go down like a sack of flour next to me in ten seconds tops; but for me there was a perplexed look after I survived his introductory prayer, and then more of one with a smile as I made it through the entire thing and thanked him.

With dad, I sensed immediate relief and realized I could not hate him any more. With this request though...I honestly don't know if I can forgive myself even if I forgive her. Funny that last week's gospel reading was about the faith of a mustard seed being able to command mountains to move, because while I want to have faith...and I sought this charismatic prayer as a method of help in overcoming those last vestiges of guilt and bitterness, I'm not sure that it will work out that way.

It isn't that I don't feel different; I do. It's just, I don't know how I should feel. When no one was looking I cried a bit in my pew, with my head bent in prayer as I knelt. Healing is what I looked for, and healing is what I hope I have found. Not just for myself, but for her as well.

Expect one other update possibly this weekend, and pray for me. This weekend I need to study for my stats midterm and finish a focus groups presentation. More frightening in a way however, is that I'll be attending my first Prison Mass at Pine Grove. I've never of my own free will, locked myself in a prison area with convicts to pray and worship alongside them. It should be an interesting ride, and maybe it'll give me a bit of a kick in the butt along with the prayer with the friar tonight to get my forgiveness into gear.