On Passing and a Passing

Thursday afternoon, I got an e-mail telling me my Qualifier results would be in my mailbox by 4:30pm.  I walked shakily up the stairs, on the phone with my mother, and I began to become physically ill, so dizzy I leaned against the wall for support.  I took the results down to my boss's office and opened them with fear unlike any I had ever felt, even in situations where I thought I would die.  "Looks like she wrote something" my boss said as we could see purple ink on the other side of the white paper.  "Nice job" was there, underlined twice...and in place of Fail from the last time, every section said the same thing "Low Pass".  I became the second or third person in the more than decade this has gone on to make a comeback from three failures and pass the Qualifiers.  The emotional outpouring from the faculty and fellow students has been a truly humbling experience, almost as much as failing was.  I realized also, that I have regained a confidence I thought long lost after the last time.

Dr. M., the founder of the department and one of the men I worked for last year, greeted me with a smile and a vigorous handshake, telling me he was proud.  No one makes that sort of comeback without hard work.  Dr. K., who I've spoken to less than five minutes in a year and a half greeted me with a smile and congratulations.  My boss Dr. L made fun of me for freaking out, but was proud.  One of the older doc students mailed me, telling me that I had gained the respect of all my peers in the years ahead of me for doing what many of them felt was an impossibility.

I've been so happy, that I forgot a morbid conversation I had with two friends who passed the first time, upon their passing the Qualifiers.  They both had bad things happen.  N's fiancee was in a car wreck, he was fine but their new car was totaled.  J's ferret died on the operating table.  "The key to passing is tragedy" we laughed.

Last night my grandmother's deteriorating condition took a nose dive.  She's been on hospice care since May, when she was given two weeks to a month to live.  Even recently as she forgot people's visits, or even who my mother was, she kept asking if I got my Qualifier results yet.  I honestly believe that she was, in part, holding on to get my results.

Last night and so far today she's held steady at four respirations per minute.  She's on medicine to take away the pain every hour thanks to the Hospice nurses, so at least she's going comfortably.  They thought she'd be dead by today, but her holding on has taken everyone by surprise.  My aunt and mother apparently haven't left her bedside since Friday, calling in grandma's friends to say goodbye.  Tonight I offered up my Eucharist at Mass for her passing, and today I prayed, as I have every day since she was put on hospice care in May, a Divine Mercy Chaplet for her comfortable passing. 

The last time a family member (by blood) died was my Freshman year of high school.  It was my granddad, grandma's husband.  I couldn't be there due to a blizzard and he died in that nursing home, the same she is in now.  Now, grandma will pass there as well, while I'm up here at school.  My friend is a grad assistant for two of the three profs we have in classes...she says she's sure they'll let me go to the funeral if it falls on their class days, which is good.  It will be a joyous thing to see my family again, but not the reason I probably will at some point this coming week.

Edit: 11:44pm.  And I get the phone call from mom, "She's gone".  Rest in peace Grandma, I love you.