Heart to Heart

This is the letter I wrote to God during Adoration this evening as I spent an hour and a half there. Please, don't read it if you aren't ready to hear just about anything. Missy, you may read it if you wish, but...I'm not sure how comfortably you'll be.
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Soon this Adoration shall cease, three days Your body lay in a tomb. Here I am my King, a hopefully humble servant to bear last respects in prayer before You; perhaps even more to beg for your favor Lord.

I stare at You and see the bread and feel a piercing presence unlike any I have known, one which seems to flay my soul clean. Darkness is stripped away, bit by bit and piece by piece. In You I find who I am meant to be.

What do You see when You stare back at me from the monstrance Lord? Do you see the man You want me to be? Do You see the sins I have done? Do You see the pain of a still broken heart and a wandering soul? Do You see the claws of Your Enemy who has me besieged on this holiest of weeks? Do You see all of these things and more?

As the man cries out in Revelation, so to do I, "Come Lord Jesus". For as Jerusalem shall lay besieged, so do I. Aid me Prince of Peace to drive Your Enemy and his forces away. Do not allow me to slip into deep depression and lash out at those I care for. Lead me to Your path so that I might not go astray. Lead me to You, my bastion of morality and what is right.

I ask again, before You, "come Lord Jesus". Yet do not come alone, I beseech You my Lord, my King. Please my Lord, bring also Your Heavenly Father, God, to lend unto me His judgment. May the Holy Spirit take up residence and fortify my heart against the wickedness and the snares of the Adversary. Guard me and guide me most Holy Trinity.

I suffer the plagues of doubt and worry. Nothing ever seems to go as I hope, but I know that outside the shadows of these twin plagues You are there also. I doubted I would get into my doctoral program, doubted that You would guide me there, but You did. I doubt so many things about my future there Lord, help me to say the simple prayer of Saint Faustina, "Jesus I trust in You!" May I live it up there my Lord, may I trust in You unto the end of an age.

I was going to propose to her here in Your Presence my Lord, the very place she found for me to confront You. In this holy place where I was made anew in my belief in Your Eucharistic Presence...I was hoping to be made new again. I still do not truly understand what happened and doubt that I ever will, so I say once more, and I hope with the utmost conviction, Jesus I trust in You! Lead me to who I belong with Lord, even if it is with only myself and with You.

How many times have I wept here in Your Presence since that first night Lord? Far too many for my secular masculinity, but most likely far too few for what I should. Has it been an hour already, that the replacements are showing? I digress...purify me in tears if You must my King, do what You will to me, do what You must! You know better than I what my future shall hold.

Guide me Lord in all of my days. Grant unto me Lord, what I need in terms of faith. Lead me Lord, along what you would have for me. Lead me to my future, lead me into living my life.

Allow me to conquer my fear. Allow me to not succumb to it, to the nagging small voice of the Adversary, who tells me I am incapable of success, incapable of being loved, incapable of not being betrayed by those whom I allow near, incapable of truly worshiping You. Give me the strength to say in a clear and strong voice, "get behind me Satan". This Devil won't let me forget, nor should I forget and forgo trials and tribulations, I ask for strength to deal with them.

You have helped me so much, you have never forsaken me. Heal my broken heart, heal my bruised soul. Allow me to properly rejoice when we celebrate that You are risen on the Easter Vigil. For it is the most joyful day in human history and the most important day to have ever graced our world. May Your Saints pray for me, may Your angels protect me, may Your Father lend me judgment, may Your Holy Spirit make a fortress of my heart and may You have mercy on us all and lead us into everlasting life. Amen!

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds hide me.
Suffer me not to be separated from Three.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
In the hour of my death, call me.
And bid me come to Thee.
That with Thy saints I may praise Thee.
Forever and ever.
Amen.