Realizations #1 to 40

Due to chats with a few people I've realized something.
1. I'm whiny, one says manipulative and I'm not sure on that, and need to make my own decisions rather than let others do it for me.
2. This having others make my own decisions for me is almost likely the biggest reason I'm still a Christian. Not, as some believe, that I'm scared of what others will think, although that did go through my mind last night as I stared at the clock.
3. This allows me to have a safety net so if I screw up, I can blame someone else.
4. I need to get off my spiritual ass and trust Him again, or go elsewhere.
5. If He's half as smite happy as the Old Testament and I recently have made Him out to be in my head, I'm due for a smiting, and you know what, I would deserve it.
6. The gods and goddesses of Paganism hold NO APPEAL to me.
7. I am, at times, far too secular humanist for my own good, or at least for the good of my relationship with my God. The reason it gave me a 100% rating on Neo-Pagan was, in my opinion, no one else's, due to the high rate of secular opinions I gave on certain issues.
8. The mask of conservatism needs to come off. Some would say I don't wear one, but I do, and it's a mask even to myself at times. I can honestly say, in 2004, I nearly voted for George Bush. Then I voted for someone more Conservative.
9. I seriously need to stop letting the FOLLOWERS of Christ, dictate to me about my relationship with CHRIST.
10. I need to step the hell back, read the Bible cover to cover, and formulate my own damn opinions moreso than I have.
11. I despise far too many people to be a good reflection of Him.
12. I am in severe need of some self discipline. Seriously, I used to be so self disciplined, and now...I'm not. I want that back...I need that back.
13. I need to stop fucking my mind over with doubt, and wrestle with it to stop producing crippling panic attacks.
14. I need to stop letting my relationship with my earthly father fuck up my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
15. I need to stop letting fear rule my life.
16. I need to stop being afraid of making my own damn decisions.
17. I need to get off my lazy butt, and start thinking about how I perceive God, because I cannot, I will not, serve someone whom I think is even possibly imperfect.
18. I would rather burn in fire for eternity than lose my identity and become an automaton.
19. I need to stop letting my thanatophobia reduce me to a whimpering curled up ball whenever I seriously ponder the idea of dying...to see beauty in death, in decay, in the passing of the winds of time, to see Him at the end and through Eternity, that is what I need to learn to do.
20. Re-read some of the classical fiction and nonfiction works I used to love...Frank Herbert's Dune series before the awful prequels, back when you had to think about his message, to use your brain. To Plato, and Aristotle, St. Augustine, and possibly even Descartes, although his style throws me.
21. I need to learn to stop letting my dependence on what others think rule my actions, not just spiritual.
22. I need to stop being so bloody needy.
23. I need to stop ripping myself apart each time someone disagrees with me.
24. I need to stop lying to myself that I'm alright.
25. I need to stop putting off my daily Bible readings.
26. I need to stop being such a sheep.
27. I need to take up meditation again, that or the only form of Bible Study and prayer that has ever reduced me to a humble servant of God, Lectio Divina.
28. I need to piss people off more often so they'll give me stringent, but awesome opinions that finally help break my wall of denial.
29. I need to remember that He is in control, and whether I like that or not, I need to buck up and hold on for the ride, because if I do continue to give myself to Him, I can expect plenty of turbulence.
30. I need to swallow my pride, but not entirely, for without my pride I'm weaker than I already am, and I refuse to stay that way.
31. I need to stop listening to so much Christian music, because quite honestly, the majority of the artists suck. Suck as in, make me angry at God to listen to them, this is why I only have a handful of artists.
32. I need to finish installing music on my iTunes, such as my more gothic music, my more head banging music, my more instrumental pieces, and my hymns. Because, whether I want to admit it or not, I am a music junkie, and it calms me down to where I can listen for that still small voice.
33. I need to eat healthier and exercise more.
34. I need to let myself cry more often, because it isn't healthy at all to let all this stress and inner turmoil build up to the point where I lash out at those I consider friends, and those I love.
35. I need to finish reading Benedict XVI's book, as well as his encyclical Deus Caritas Est. While not Catholic, the wisdom to be found in both far eclipses anything I'm capable of realizing on my own.
36. While doing number thirty-five, I can't allow his opinions to dominate my own, because that's what I've been allowing to happen opinion wise to me for the past twenty years.
37. I need to let him break me. Truly break me, it's been done before, but for all my weakness, I enjoy the taste of sin and rebellion.
38. I am an ungrateful little shit for all He has done for me, for all He continues to do for me, for all He will do for me. I need to learn to thank Him more.
39. I need to apologize to Him.
40. I am a self hating individual who needs to learn to love himself, before he can properly love others or God, or that love will be tainted by my own self loathing, and can never blossom into fruition.

Now...may I be free from that which would have me in ideological chains, yet bound to Christ. Alive in Christ, yet dead to my sinful nature. Able to show compassion to myself and others, but not the tainted compassion I have. May my tongue be as sharp as a sword, yet able to strike with less lethality. May my wit be not dull, and forever sharp. May I be weary of anything that seems easy, for it is not. May I know that He is King, and may I not forget it, nor His sacrifice. And finally, may I learn to loosen up, and not be so uptight. May I learn to smile honestly, and without worrying that I need to be doing something else. May I realize, who I am meant to be.

And to the Bitch, no, no one I've spoken to in the past six months is "The Bitch", there's only one who has ever gotten that title from me. To the Bitch...beautiful try, but as I told you six or so months ago, I'm His.