Hmm

Last night I had a long and raw talk with a friend, and for the first time in a long time, I began to feel hope. Then that friend dashed it today, as the Psalmist describes the infants of an enemy's heads being dashed against a stone. Once more, I feel betrayed, exhausted, and harmed. Once more, my attempts at mending fences have been torn apart. Once more I've been effectively told to go screw myself for calling my friend out on her hypocrisy even as I acknowledge my own.

I'm not a perfect person, none of us are. I've never been taught to be positive though, when little, never been allowed to learn how to be happy. When I was little I was taught to hate the people playing outside for being childish, rude, etc. I was taught that I'm worthless, that I'm crap, that my opinions don't matter, that I'll never have children, that I will die single and alone, that I'm an abject failure at life, that I'll end up unemployed with my education, etc. For twenty-three years I've been taught this.

It doesn't disappear overnight, especially with negative reinforcement daily. Even more so when I'm told that I need to wake up from my depression, that I sound suicidal? I'm not suicidal, I never have been, and God willing, I never will be. I would not consider ending my life, no matter what happens.

I will continue to do what I always do. I will pray for humility, I will pray for strength, I will pray for my soul, I will pray for His mercy, I will pray for love, I will pray for charity, I will pray for hope, I will pray for a positive attitude, I will pray for the two people who have hurt me most in this life, I will pray for those who have passed on, I will pray for His will to be done...

If you have something to say to me, say it to me. Don't force my friend to be your messenger; I'm here, I'm not hiding. So talk the talk and walk the walk or stop screwing around in my life by making her suffer. She deserves better than that and she deserves a good guy to stand alongside her, even if it's not me.