One of those days

Today is one of those days. You know the sort. Everything seems to be going wrong, the worries of life are building upon my shoulders. I'm envying my ex-girlfriend for being able to be so positive all the time, I would kill to be as positive as she always seems to be, "being positive is in my blood, just like faith is in yours".

Pardon my language, but faith being in my blood is complete bullshit and she should know me better than that (or perhaps she knows me better than I know myself). It is a constant struggle for me to stay faithful to Him. It would be so easy to just cast off what He calls of me and of all who follow His commands. Lying would solve so many problems. Chastity, even if just with myself, would no longer be an issue to struggle with. Lack of guilt at being angry with people would be a wonderful feeling. Being able to just "be" as it were, without knowing that others watch my every movement to judge the followers of Christ...I can't even count how many times I've been told by people I know that I'm the only Christian who doesn't constantly condemn them to Hell and treats them like a human being.

Some of the happiest days of my life were when I told Him to go screw Himself, but not in so nice terms. I was genuinely happy. I was still a good person, but I didn't have to try to be so all the time. I was able to be me, not the creature that everyone expects of me. So the question arises then, why would I choose the harder road for myself? Why would I deny myself a chance to be happy again?

Because that happiness and the things of this life are evanescent. They're like a mist that disappears with the dawning of the sun. Because I love Him; for all I will rail at Him, for all I will doubt Him time and again, I love Him. Because like an addict, I can't cut myself off from receiving Him, or praying to Him for His Divine Mercy and His Intercession.

How is that inability to cut myself off from Him not faith? Because faith is when we knowingly place our trust in Him, when we follow Him out of our free will. Which is why there are days like today.

I have a Thesis Defense on Tuesday, my revisions aren't done due to committee members who have had a month to read over my thesis and make suggestions, who haven't. I feel as though I'm treading water in my schoolwork until it's done. I've got family members and neighbors who tell me I am worthless, that I will never amount to anything. I've got to watch as people who have hurt me deeply, who have cut me to the core continue on with their lives as though nothing ever happened and the whole world is made of sunshine and rainbows. I am told that I am worthless as a leader of my honors society (despite my administration pulling in more funds, conducting more activities, and taking more people to conference then any other in our chapter's 28 year history). I am told I am an ignorant fool. I'm told that I'm talking to some imaginary deity who isn't there. I'm told I'm an ignorant follower of pedophiles. I'm told that I'm never going to amount to anything because I'm single. I'm told I'm going to grow old and die alone a miserable husk and shell of a human being. I'm told that it is my duty to provide grandchildren, like my cousins. I'm told that I might as well go flip burgers again, because it's all I'm good for. I'm told that I am a total bastard. I'm told that I'm not even allowed entrance into a meeting it's mandatory that I attend. I'm told that I can try all I want, but I'll never be the man that God calls me to be. And this, this is all today and yesterday.

Faith, is what I have on days like today. Faith is the knowledge that I believe in a God Who is eternal. Faith is knowing that He loves me, and despises my sins, and so should I. Faith is knowing that I'm going to face struggles in life, that I'm going to have to deal with this sort of lunacy and negativity, and be able to say still, "Blessed be your name Lord". Faith is embracing my cross, my own little petty struggles, and going to the Enemy, "Bring it on", because I know in the end that I will stand on the winning side.

Francesca Battistelli has a song I've more or less made my own, alongside of one of Plumb's. Francesca's is Beautiful, Beautiful, with some lines that say:

But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

Plumb's is I can't Do This, with some lines:

I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this by myself
I can't do this
I can't do this
Oh God, I need Your help

I'm standing still,
I'm oh, so peaceful
I can't pretend, that I'm fine

I get so ill, crazy agitated

So pray for me, as I continue on. I will not try to turn my back upon Him, rather I embrace Him with the full knowledge that I will suffer and I will doubt.