Another Adoration Letter

Before I begin to type the letter I wrote out while in Adoration yesterday, I think that first I should share something else. Aside from the times when I've been assailed by constant doubt while in His Presence, I've always thought, "I could spend time like this forever." When I converted to Catholicism, my thanatophobia vanished; oh it still lurks, deep below the surface, but it's no longer an all consuming fear that kept me up nights on end. More than dreading Hell, I dreaded eternity, even in Heaven. It hit me yesterday, "I could spend forever like this" is a definition of Heaven as it were, because it will be forever spent in His Presence.

That said :) I type my letter:

Again I find myself in Your presence Lord. I'm short of breath and sweating but I imagine it has something to do with the high temperature outside and a little old lady being cold in here and keeping the thermostat turned up.

I'm here and in a bit of fear. This place, Adoration here, has always soothed my soul. Yet now, the Enemy casts waves of doubt upon me as I sit here, in Your divine presence.

I don't know Lord, it's only been the past month or so...so it couldn't be because this was where I was going to propose. Granted her dumping me felt like a betrayal by You more than her. Though having forgiven almost all around it still does to an extent:

Harried heart
Wary soul
Perfect part
Made Whole

Sacred Son
Holy Virgin
Farewell Fun
Divine Surgeon

Heavenly healing
Father mine
Fortunate Feeling
Your sign

Just a poem I felt compelled to write, not particularly good, but heartfelt none the less. You have shown me the dream time and again. She with her husband, not me, radiant and happy. Yet You never show what lies in store for me.

I have no doubt it is Your will for me to go to IUP. Things are too perfect: an assistantship, a tuition waiver, a parish on campus, Adoration nearby, a place to live, ready made roomies, and acceptance to a Ph.D. program. Will I find my future and path? I hope so.

There is so much good to cast out the evils of my depression and of my doubts. I prayed an entire Divine Mercy Chaplet for her and will bow before You on her behalf once more before I leave. I have been assailed by fewer doubts than when I last came. I got an A on my Arabic final. Even in the darkness of the night and the hours of despair, I worship You.

Thank You for everything. Every kind word, every abusive act, every achievement and every failure...all have made me the man I am today. Thank You...and even in the storm, may I praise Your holiest of names.

Thank You, Lord, for making me whole and giving me hope. Thank You, for today at least, driving the fear and the pain away.