Thinking and Realizations

I've realized a good bit about myself so far this summer, since she told me to take a break from her. I realized I don't need her approval to think of myself as a good person, but that it doesn't hurt. I realized that even though she gave me my Rosary beads, they are mine, and I can use them: I prayed with them for the first time in eight months the other night.

I realized that I do have a few friends I can count on in real life, but that I'll be leaving them in August. I realized that I'm still lovable, that I'm still a caring man for others, and that I'm still able to have fun in spite of personal pains.

I realized that I judge others way too easily, and while not all of it is contingent on my upbringing, I think a large part of it does lie in being raised to despise people who go outside, have fun, and spend money on leisure activities. I've also realized that I'm far too scrupulous for my own good; a fault I was reminded of this morning after Mass. I was going down the stairs and the loose one sunk more than normal by a bit, and I made sure not to be under it when dad came down to help me with the mower, just in case, and he nearly fell through. I beat myself up for nearly an hour trying to figure out if I was in mortal sin for failing to warn him that the loose stair was even looser than normal. In the end, I told myself that he was okay, and I was okay, and a warning would have done no good; and there was no malice there, despite all he has done to me.

I realized that I enjoy being outside in the sunshine, that it lifts my mood amazingly. I realized that I can and will move on, and perhaps, maybe perhaps, I have. The thought of her with someone else doesn't send me into tears like it once did, as long as they treat her with the honor and respect that she deserves, and they don't try to take her away from God. Likewise, the thought of me with someone else isn't as heartbreaking as it once was.

I've realized that I am a strong person, willing to be humbled. I have always struggled with humility, because I cling to those scraps of self esteem and respect that my father has not robbed me of, and I've placed them on a pedestal all my own. I was ready to crawl on my hands and knees to fast food for a job if it was necessary, to beg for a job from a place I once considered only a step removed from Hell; but He delivered me a week before I would have done so, only after I had swallowed the bitter pill of my pride and hubris.

Most of all, I think I realized how much I miss the times of faith being a simple matter...and I think this ties into my scrupulosity problems. I miss being able to just think of everything as truth, instead of being constantly assailed by doubts. Adoration has become difficult, where once my ultimate peace this side of Heaven could be found, I have frequently been buried beneath my doubts.

This is Trinity Sunday. I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth. I believe in His only begotten Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete, the Comforter, and Advocate. Despite all the doubts, I will never cease to believe in the Holy Trinity. I've come to realize that while faith is a struggle, that core belief is as natural to me as the air I breathe.