I wonder if anyone reads this

There are times I wonder if anyone is reading this any more, or if I'm just typing to myself. It doesn't matter one way or the other though, because as I said in a previous entry, writing is a cathartic exercise for me. And how I need catharsis...

It's a real roller coaster, fighting through this depression that has haunted me for around eight months now. I was promised by her that God had told her she would love me no matter what, even if we broke up, only to have her tell me that by responding to a certain something in a certain way that she had fallen out of love with me. That she had moved on at that moment.

I want to say I've moved on. I want to so badly that it hurts, but I don't think I have, nor do I know if I ever will. Have I learned that I don't need her approval to be happy? Yes. Have I learned that I'm capable of love, even without her? Yes. Have I learned that I am still lovable? Yes. Have I learned that I have friends who really and truly care about me? Yes. Have I learned that I have people I'd not pee on if they were aflame? Yes. Have I learned that it will break my heart anew when she gets together with someone else? Yes. Have I learned that I will eventually accept that, because of the dream I had? Yes. Have I used the beads she gave me, my first real Rosary beads since it all ended? Yes, for the first time in eight months the other week. Have I been enduring the Dark Night of the Soul well? Not really.

I want to feel again in my faith. I read the conversion stories of others with such awe, remembering that I felt that way and struggled to embrace the Catholic faith as well. It awes me, their faith, their love, and their all consuming passion for the Truth. It was a passion I shared until about eight months ago, when the darkness set in after my heart was broken.

Less than betrayed by her, I felt betrayed by God. And to be honest, I still do to an extent. I finally knew happiness for the first time in my life, true happiness and it was taken away. I crumbled, just like she predicted time and again that I would. Emotionally I had become so attached that the separation sent me into a self destructive brooding spiral. I felt like I was unloved. I felt like I would never care for anyone again. I felt like I didn't deserve to live, wishing that I'd not wake up the next morning.

So many people, even those who had never even met me, tried to claim that my conversion to Catholicism was all for her. It wasn't. I came to fall in love, not just with a woman, but with Truth. However, her struggles became my struggles, and vice-versa. That includes struggling with faith.

I've almost always had faith to rely on, she once said that it flows through my veins like blood. That's not true. Faith is a daily struggle, and some days...I fail. I pray every day. I pray for the souls of those who have gone before, I pray for myself to have the strength to move on, I pray for the intentions of others all the time. Yes I pray, but there are days like today, where I wonder if anyone really hears my prayers.

Then I tell myself of course there is. I've seen and experienced too many things in this life for it to be all simple coincidence. And even when I wonder that, even if I'm at Adoration assailed by doubts, my tongue can not form the words to say that Christ is not present in the Eucharist.

I just wish I could be the man I used to be and the man that I know I can be. The one who knew joy, and how to have fun. The one who loved to read about theology and truly excited about God, not all the time like some Pentecostals I know, but excited nonetheless. One who looked forward to going to Mass, not going for fear of going to Hell if I don't. I want to fall in love with Him again, because before I can love myself or love someone else, and before I can move on from lost love of another person...I have to love Christ.

Tomorrow I turn 24. I have to go to Confession. Please Lord, if You will it, allow that Sacrament to make me fall in love with you again, as if for the first time. I live in my past signs to keep me going, staring at the stars and feeling the kiss of sunlight upon my skin. Help me fall in love again, please...I want to love You. The Novena to the Holy Spirit recently was the closest I've felt to You in a long time Lord, a long time...so please, help me to draw closer to You.