Believing in Myself (or not)

Tonight was very traumatic for me. I had one friend, my best friend, apparently break ties with me forever...and my heart has shattered yet again. This time, I fear the damage will never be repaired. Another friend tells me to believe in myself, that everyone believes in me.

Even if they do...I do not. How can I? I've hurt the person I loved most in this life. More than once I've turned my back on my Savior. I deserve to burn in Hell for an eternity, just like the rest of humanity. I am a bad Christian, I've been told as much by people I trust. I'm psychologically damaged from my lifetime of emotional abuse. I am a bad person. I am the greatest mistake of my parents' marriage according to my father once...and I'm inclined to believe him. I have hurt everything I have ever touched.

My entire life has been spent being told I am a failure, and tonight just proved that he's right. I couldn't even keep the most important friendship in my life going. I'm a hollow shell of the man that I was a year ago today. I was vibrant, happy, actually able to start believing in myself for the first time in my life. I knew that I was loved, and that I loved in return; I had begun to shop for an engagement ring...because I found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

I no longer believe in myself. I don't think I ever will again...it took twenty three years to do it the first time. And I just saw that I've been taken off the people she is following on Twitter...will Facebook (I hope she keeps me as a friend here and on Facebook, even wall-less, so that she can at least watch as I move on, and so that I can know that I really am forgiven as she tells me I am in that last tweet.) or this blog be next? I don't know...I just know that I've not been in so much pain since I was dumped.

I feel adrift. Cast off. My high school principal ended every day's announcements with the words, "Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours." I have been stripped of that choice, if it was ever there to begin with.

St. Maria Goretti pray for me on this, your feast day, that I may forgive the one who I have harmed and who has harmed me grievously. Lord Jesus Christ, God the Father, and oh most Holy Spirit....change my heart; for I feel as though I no longer deserve to ever be loved or to have friends.

Edit: Another reason for her not to defriend this blog, or me on Facebook (despite my lack of wall privvies) is that I hope against all odds, that she can watch me recover. That she was right.

Edit2: The morning after, on my two hours of sleep. I'm so numb, but it helps me think clearer at least. I've gotta shake my head at this entry, but won't delete it. I can move on, I will move on, and I continue to hope that she keeps me friended to see that I do. It might be hard, it might feel as though I've lost a part of my very soul, but I have to go forward, and I have to become the man that God calls me to be.