More Emo Drama, note of Hope at the end

Today I just logged on to find my blog de-listed from her blogroll and an entry about burying and burning the past. It's just so hard...it's like having my heart chopped up one piece at a time, ya know? For a "clean cut" it's surprisingly sloppy and spread out over many days as I wonder to myself what will be next.

I was telling myself that I was doing really well today, and to be honest, as long as I did not dwell upon it, I really was doing well. I wonder if I should avoid TinyChat from now on, so as not to hurt either of us...after all, she hangs out there and has more friends on it than I apparently do. I don't want to hurt her anymore...

But damn it, I deserve to be able to live my life too. I deserve better than what I had with our relationship. Constantly apologizing. Constantly staying up late into the night acting as a comforter and then being accused of the one that was always in need of comfort and counseling. Finding things out about what had been said about me behind my back from others that knew the two of us.

I DESERVE TO BE FREE! I deserve to move on. I deserve to know that one day I will again love and be loved. I deserve to know that this is not the end, and that as time passes I will move on with my life, and I will become the man that God wants me to be. I want to flourish at IUP, I want to actually make friends...it's a scary thought for me, because I'm so socially awkward and inept, and was taught and abused that I should shun other people and never let them know a thing about my life. It's going to be very difficult to overcome that sort of stuff as time goes on...especially at first. I wanna move on, have friends I can depend on who don't leave me emotionally exhausted and dry. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll meet the love of my life, as I thought I had before.

That said...she deserves better. She deserves a guy who apparently isn't emasculated. She deserves a guy who can actually be with her instead of being hundreds of miles away. She deserves a guy who can be trusted not to lie just to make her feel better. She deserves a guy she'll one day marry. She deserves a job, because her journalistic writing is amongst the best I've ever seen (and the news junkie that I am, that's an astounding claim on my part that truly showcases how good she is). She deserves to be happy...because despite everything, I can't bring myself to hold animosity in my heart for her, even as I cry time and again.

I never used to cry; I considered it to be a sign of weakness. But over these last months...the last nine or so, I've cried myself to sleep at least twice a week on a weekly basis. According to tests I've taken, I've been left clinically depressed by the events of the past nine months, and I'm in a funk I just can't seem to shake. I know that part of her effort with this clean cut is to allow me to heal and move on, and so that she can move on with her life as well.

I pray to the Lord that she's right, and we can both move on and heal, because right now, my healing powers are pretty low. A part of me is happy; I don't know anything about her life now, and it reduces a great deal of worry on my part, as I worried at everything that was going on. Another part of me is intensely sorrowful to be cut out like this by a person I felt would be a lifelong friend, and four almost a fourth of my lifetime, was my best friend and confidant. She knows all my secrets, including my deepest buried one, which I told her as part of my effort to salvage our friendship.

I will not be the same without her. I will not be the man that I once was. I can only hope that I can again become like that man who was joyous and loving. That I can become again like that man who felt God had a purpose in everything (and I've been telling myself that for the past three days now). That I can again become like that man who felt there was a true love out there for him. That I can again become like that man who felt that he was actually loveable and going somewhere with his life.

More than that, I hope that this clean break of hers allows me to become something more, something else entirely. I hope it allows me to become the man that God wants me to be, the man that I know is buried somewhere deep inside me. I pray that God guides my path this month and then in Pennsylvania...and that He takes me to my future one day at a time. And that in the end, the pain and cynicism about everything and negativity will fade and only hope and positive attitude will remain.