The Wilderness

So the router magically fixed itself. Maybe I should explain, on Friday, Fronteir took over from Verizon as the West Virginia carrier of their Digital Subscription Line Services, or DSL for short. After that, the internet stopped working. The router held a solid red for the past four days on the Internet button.

When calling Frontier to see what was up, it was readily apparent that it wasn't just us, but a lot of folks. Because Frontier's first message was that the entire city of Parkersburg was without service and that they would work to quickly rectify that situation that had arisen there. After a lot of cajoling and being disconnected from their call center twice...they said it was a problem with my router and that someone would be out on Monday or Tuesday to fix it. Well that was nice...because obviously that's going to help when mom had to do the Powerpoints for her church on Sunday, had to print out a boarding pass, and I was waiting on my contract e-mail from Indiana university of Pennsylvania for my research assistantship for my doctoral program.

So today I took mom to the airport, and when I came back, it was magically fixed. Dad called to tell me that he'd talked to three people who all had the Verizon routers, and that they were without service too. So we think those routers in particular were just blocked or something; either way I'm still here waiting on a technician that may or may not come.

So...my time in the wilderness without the internet as it were, was an enlightening time in some ways, and in other ways, it was not. I did not have to worry about all this petty drama and talk behind people's backs and such that I do when I am online. I did not need to check things, or write things...even though it burns me up that I didn't get to do the Phoenix on 750words.com because of the lack of net access by Frontier's bad takeover.

I finished the last of the Deuterocanon, something I was really wanting to do. It was nice to actually be able and sit there and read and digest the word of God without juggling to windows of drama elsewhere. I was able to pray without much distraction, focusing on what he wants me to do with my life and how He wants me to behave in it. I was really happy to do that; because it gave me a chance to stop listening to what others were telling me to do with my spiritual life, and that I could do what I needed to do.

You know what I discovered about my relationship with Him? That I'm too hard on myself, as I am also too hard on others. None of us is perfect, none of us has the wisdom to know what God wants all the time. We are human beings and we all make mistakes, some of them hurt ourselves, some of them hurt others, and some hurt everybody involved. That I do need to give Him more of my time than I have in the past, because He alone is the one that I can rely upon, not another human being.

I again came face to face with the fact that almost all of my problems are rooted within fear. As I read the book of Wisdom, chapter 17: 12-13 leapt off the page and into my heart, "For fear is nought but the surrender of the helps that come from reason; and the more one's expectation is of itself uncertain, the more one makes of not knowing the cause that brings on torment."

Even now, fear torments me. It drives so much of my thought processes and what I do; but over the last four days...I think I let part of that fear go. It's amazing what a few days in forced isolation will do for you. And how much it makes you realize that as good as silent contemplation can be, there's always a need for you to be able to rely upon others spiritually. When I went to Mass, it was amazing to me, to see the genuine smiles during the Sign of Peace instead of forced ones that are often there. Even the woman whose normal spot I was sitting in seemed to be happy. I want that, I want more fellowship than that, and with people my own age that I can consider to be my friends; that's what I hope to get at Indiana University of Pennsylvania besides my degree. Fellowship with people my own age.

But these four days have highlighted something for me. I'm a stronger person that I realized on my own, even if I do recognize the need for fellowship. I'm going to pull through, and I'm going to flourish. Because the God of Heaven is with me, no matter what.