One last time at BMCs

Dad is in rare form today it seems. I am still the end all and be all of all his problems in the world and his justification to act as an asshole to humanity in general, and me in particular. I've been told now that I'll disassemble my bed alone, that I will pack entirely alone, and quite possibly load the uHaul alone; that I should be grateful he's driving it up there since I dared to move on his vacation. Bear in mind he offered to help me move on my vacation, and to take apart my bed for me. He also wants me to only take my car and the truck up, and then drive them home the same day to save on a hotel room he booked. I've been told at length today by him, how smelly I am, how worthless I am, how I'm doomed to failure, etc. Four more days...and I'll be free of him physically at least, even if I'll still hear his voice in my head.

So without further ado, I went to Blessed Margaret of Castello's Perpetual Adoration chapel in Shinnston today. It's the only Perpetual Adoration chapel in the state of West Virginia and the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston, and since she discovered it for me years ago, it has been my calm harbor amidst the torrents of emotional abuse, the sucktastic economy, and my own fears. What follows is the letter I wrote to Him while I sat in His Presence:

Here I am Lord, for the final time before I move to Pennsylvania. Here I am Lord, in the place where I truly came to believe. Here I am Lord, in Your Eucharistic Presence. Here I am Lord, gazing a final time upon Your Body in this place.

So much has happened in my time that I have spent here with You. (I am sitting in the presence of my King!!) Many times has the enemy tried to stop these visitations through rain and flood, downed trees and rock slides, and oh so many more minor things. So much has happened in these last three years.

Missy found this place for me. I was scared, driving in the rain and the darkness to a place I had never been to before. I felt fear tighten my gut as I approached the chapel; I was so relieved after prayer and time there had proved me right, I had felt nothing. Then I actually looked at You and I fell apart; subsumed by history and by glory, surprised by truth. I went back to the dorms glowing and happy. Happier than I had been in so very long; You and Melissa saved my life I think.

It was the beginning of a weekly relationship between You and I, every Wednesday at ten at night. I came to know You more, and those who visited You; an old devout woman and a coal miner named Sam whose wife was stricken with cancer. I shared in their sufferings as if they were my own family, and in a way they were, for they were my brothers and sisters in Christ.

My cousins were in risky pregnancies and so I begged for Your intercession Lord and for that of Blessed Margaret of Castello. Graduation swiftly approached and I was going to ask mom to come pray with me here...and then with a week until graduating I learned at a random dinner at Cracker Barrel that mom had cancer.

I wept fiercely and Missy comforted me. Why, I demanded, why the parent who actually showed me love? You never answered, and never will. I thought at first during it that it was to get dad and I close together, to heal our wounds...until he pulled a "joke" about them not getting all of mom's cancer and waiting until I was in tears until going "Haha, I got you". I came to you the day after I found out about her cancer, weeping still, I pleaded with You and with Your saints.

I graduated. Surgery saved my mom. Babies were born healthy and I gave praise to You. I started a new job, I started my Masters. Then my job was lost and the chain I worked for was liquidated. I spent the happiest days of my life in a visit to my beloved after getting a new job. Not long after, a few months, she broke my heart twenty four days shy of our three year mark. I took it badly, crying for days on end and slipping into a depression so deep that I thought I would never resurface from it again. I still cry some nights, nowhere near as often, but I still cry.

I graduated again and was accepted into a PhD program. I've been awarded an assistantship. I'm moving in four days.

I promised You I would come here one final time...and I have. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner and grant me wisdom and strength as I move on. Help me with my fear and my pride, the twin towers that dominate me and keep me apart from You; and please Lord, know I will deeply miss You in this place.