I've slept two hours out of the last two days now. I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I'm battered and bruised. Friday through today has been a Hell I can't even begin to describe for my emotional state. That said...I will survive. I will come back stronger. I have to, for He will accept no less.
I will continue to pray for her. I will continue to pray for the health of her mom-mom, I will continue to pray for her future husband, I will continue to pray for the soul of her departed poppy. I will continue to pray for myself.
I'm not going to get my closure, my explanation of "why". I won't get something as nice as a simple "Goodbye" it seems. I thought I deserved at least that much, and after nearly a quarter of my life, I'll come right out and say I deserved that much.
But you know what I do get? I get reassurance from God. Every time something happens in my life that I consider to be bad, it turns out for the best and His will is done. "Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine." Is my constant reverberation. Let's see how it has always turned out for the glory of God, and for my betterment.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I switched majors because I was on the verge of failing for the first time in my life academically.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I began to be so wildly successful in my new major, I said it.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I couldn't find a job at graduation and continued to slave for minimum wage.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I concurrently found out that my mother, the most important person in my life had colon cancer the week before Finals.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When she went in for surgery and there were complications.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When her cancer was declared gone.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I finally began the process of RCIA.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When my entire company was shut down during those courses.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I finally entered into the Catholic Church on that joyous Easter Vigil.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I got accepted to graduate school early.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I was elected Vice President of my Honors Society.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I began to get seemingly promising nibbles at last about jobs.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I finally began to meet my beloved after more than two and a half years of pining and heartache.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
And now that my mother has been diagnosed with Diabetes.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I was dumped by the woman I intended to marry.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I continued to not find work in my field.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I was accepted into a PhD program.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
When I have suddenly been cut off from my best friend without explanation.
Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine.
All I can do is to continue to pray those words Lord, and hope that Your Will is done, and that I am granted the serenity and knowledge to accept that you are my King, that you are my Messiah, that you are my Savior, and that you are my friend.
To quote an old worship song I deeply miss, "Jesus, lamb of God. Worthy is your name. Jesus, lamb of God, worthy is your name. You are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek. You are my all in all..."
Every time something has happened, it has done so for my betterment in some way. Mom's cancer taught me to rely upon my friends and God. Mom's diabetes diagnosis spurred her into finally losing the weight. The work blues and constantly being passed over for jobs for less qualified people (often drunken veterans I knew)...has brought me to my dream of a PhD program I would not have attended otherwise; and has set me free from my father's influence soon. So now Lord, that I've apparently been dumped as a friend...Lord, may Your Will be done, not mine. I don't know how You will use this intense pain, but I know that somehow You will.
Missy once told me, "If He won't deliver you, remember that you will be given the strength to endure. That's a promise from Him. You're doing so well. Keep your eyes on Him...He's moving in you, I know it. " She's right.
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